HOW TO AGE DISGRACEFULLY
Characters - Alphabetical
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| FIRST NAME | LAST NAME | DESCRIPTION |
| Art | Andrews | Retired actor, community center play director. |
| George | Clooney | Fake name Art uses with his agent. |
| Floyd | Daniels | Caught with stolen necklace, claims Daphne gave it to him. |
| Mr. | Dixon | Lydia's council representative. |
| Gavin | Gravely | Starbucks manager, accuses Art of theft. |
| Daphne | Jones | Former criminal (Delilah Jones), on the run, trying to reform. Aka: Delilah |
| Jack | Jones | Daphne's deceased husband, East End gangster. |
| Princess | Margaret | The late Queen's sister. |
| Lydia | Roberts | Organizer at Mandel Community Center. |
| Penny | Rogers | A police constable. |
| Mr. | Shelbourne | Art's boss. |
| Maggie | Thatcher | Dog involved in talent show; named after Margaret Thatcher. Aka: M |
| Christopher | Thomson | Jeweler in Hatton Garden mentioned by Daphne. |
| Mr. | Wingate | Ziggy's former teacher. |
| Lucky | The boy who hadn't spoken before the incident in the minibus. | |
| Ruby | Elderly woman, secret street artist "Yarnsy". Aka: Banksy. | |
| Anna | Elderly activist, loudspeaker protester. | |
| Jaspar | Art's agent at Shelbourne Talent Agency. | |
| William | Cameraman/documenter, helps community show. | |
| Pauline | A retired Headmistress. Deceased. | |
| Ziggy | Teen single father, tech-savvy, community center member. | |
| Kylie | Ziggy's daughter. | |
| Janine | The head nursery nurse. | |
| Jeremy | Lydia's ex-husband. | |
| Jenna | The girl that Ziggy impregnated. | |
| Vanessa | Council secretary/note-taker. | |
| Jill | Art's ex-wife. | |
| Kerry | Art's daughter. | |
| Tony | The guy that Daphne formerly dated. | |
| Noah | One of the boys in the play. | |
| Jamal | One of the kids in the play. | |
| Jessica | One of the kids in the play. | |
| Tallulah | Child who plays the "star" in nativity scene. | |
| Kitty | Jeremy's new girlfriend. | |
| Sidney | Online scammer Daphne dated, real name unknown. | |
| Sonny | Real soldier from Ukraine, whose identity was stolen by Sidney. | |
| Alicia | Ziggy's friend and crush. | |
| Sophia | Lydia's daughter, back from university. | |
| Ellie | Lydia's other daughter. | |
| Ant | Host of Britain's Got Talent-style show. | |
| Dec | Host of Britain's Got Talent-style show. | |
| Zack | Child in talent show, plays policeman. |
