| Christopher |
Columbus | An explorer and navigator. |
| Mega |
Cop | The cop who chased the narrator. |
| Neil |
DeGrasse-Tyson | American astrophysicist and writer. |
| Ralph |
Ellison | American writer and literary critic. |
| Mama's boyfriend |
Narrator's stepfather. |
|
| Sao |
Paolo | Narrator's friend. A heavy smoker. |
| Christopher |
Park | A pianist. |
| Busta |
Rhymes | American rapper and actor. |
| Hong |
| Paolo's mate. |
| Fat Florid Guy |
| The man who buys a hipster Joe. |
| Narrator |
| A black homeless kid. |
| Apollo |
| A Greek God. |
| Heisman |
| A former Georgia Tech head coach. |
| Daddy |
| Narrator's biological father. |
| Enemy |
| The government. |