| 1 | Charles | Apatan | The manager of the Tea Haven. |
| | | | Smaug - The industrial-strength water boiler. |
| | Darius | Kellener | Protagonist. Aka: D'nuts. |
| | Trent | Bolger | Dairus's childhood acquaintance. |
| | Cyprian | Cusuman | Trent's best friend. Aka: Chip. |
| | Fredegar | Bolger | The hobbit at Lord of The Rings. |
| 2 | Stephen | Kellner | Darius's father. |
| 3 | Laleh | Kellner | Darius's little sister. |
| | Fariba | Bahrami | Darius's grandmother. Shirin's mother. Aka: Mamou. |
| | Ardeshir | Bahrami | Darius's grandfather. Shirin's father. Aka: Babou. |
| 4 | Jamsheed | Bahrami | Darius's uncle. |
| | Ahab | | One of Laleh's fish. |
| | Simon | | One of Laleh's fish. |
| | Bob | | One of Laleh's fish. |
| | Garfunkel | | One of Laleh's fish. |
| | Moby | | One of Laleh's fish. |
| | Dr. | Howell | Darius's therapist. |
| 5 | Javaneh | Esfahani | Darius's classmate. |
| | Mrs. | Killinger | The nurse. |
| | Vance | Henderson | Darius's co-boy scout. |
| 6 | Coach | Fortes | Darius's gym teacher. |
| | Craig | | Darius's volleyball teammate. |
| 8 | | | FTGFOP - Finest Tippy Golden Flowering Orange Pekoe. |
| | Combat | Boot Lady | The TSA security checkpoint officer. |
