| 1 | Somebody | McSomebody | Middle Sister's stalker. |
| | First | Brother-in-Law | Eldest Sister's husband. Started rumor of Middle Sister & Milkman's relationship. |
| | Milkman | | A high ranking paramilitary. 41-year-old married man who
harassed Middle Sister. |
| | Eldest | Sister | Middle Sister's sister. First Brother-in-Law's wife. |
| | Barbra | Streisland | An American singer-songwriter. |
| | Freddie | Mercury | Lead vocalist of The Queen Band. |
| | Sigourney | Weaver | An American actress. |
| 2 | Third | Brother-in-Law | Third Sister's husband. A sporty guy and Middle Sister's childhood friend. |
| | Third | Sister | Middle Sister's sister. Third Brother-in-Law's wife. |
| | Maybe | Boyfriend | Middle Sister's secret boyfriend. A car mechanic. |
| | Marilyn | Monroe | An American actress. |
| | Chef | | Maybe-Boyfriend's longest friend. |
| | Maybe-BF's | Neighbor | Maybe-Boyfriend's troublesome neighbor. |
| | Wee | Sister | Middle Sister's youngest sister. |
| | The | Eldest | Maybe-Boyfriend's eldest brother. |
| | Second | Youngest | Maybe-Boyfriend's second youngest brother. |
| | Oldest | Brother | Middle Sister's oldest brother. |
| | The | Neighbors | Middle Sister's gossip neighbor. |
| | Jason | | One of Ma's pious friend. The guardian of the banned names. |
| | Da | | Middle Sister's father. Deceased. |
| | Lassie | | Middle Sister's dog. |
| | Second | Sister | Middle Sister's sister. |
| | Ivor | | A guy from "over-the-road". Maybe-Boyfriend's co-worker. |
| | First Sister's ex | | First Sister's murdered ex-boyfriend. |
| | Oliver | Cromwell | An English political leader in England. |
| | Elizabeth I | | The Queen of England and Ireland. |
| | Virginia | Mayo | An American actress. |
| | Kim | Novak | An American film actress. |
| | Second | Oldest Male | Somebody McSomebody's brother
- died crossing the road. |
| | Beyond-the- | Pale | Ma's close friend. Man who didn't love Somebody. Aka: The Real Milkman. |
| | Nuclear | Boy | Somebody McSomebody's brother. |
| | Nuclear | Boy's ma. | Somebody McSomebody's mother. |
| | Tablets-Girl | | A local poisoner. |
| | Wee | Tot | Somebody McSomebody's youngest sibling. |
| | First | Housewife | Middle Sister's colleague in sub-branch women. |
| | Millicent | Fawcett | A British writer. |
| | Emily | Davison | A suffragette who fought for vote for women in Britain. |
| | Ida Bell | Wells | An American journalist. |
| | Florence | Nightingale | The founder of modern nursing. |
| | Eleanor | Roosevelt | Former first lady of the U.S. A diplomat and activist. |
| | Harriet | Tubman | An American
abolitionist. |
| | Marianna | Pineda | A Spanish liberalist heroine. |
| | Marie | Curie | The girl who discovered Radium. |
| | Lucy | Stone | A prominent U.S. orator. |
| | Dolly | Parton | An American singer. |
| | Mata | Hari | A Dutch exotic dancer. |
| | Nigel | | The guardian of the banned names. |
| 4 | Longest | Friend | Middle Sister's longest friend. |
| | Teresa | of Avila | A Roman Catholic Saint. |
| | Sister | Mary Pius | The Big Nun. |
| | Francis | Bacon | A former Lord Chancellor of England. |
| | William | Shakespeare | An English poet. |
| | Guy | Fawkes | A member of the group of provincial catholic english. |
| | The | Groom | Longest Friend's husband. |
| 5 | Peggy | | Real Milkman's ex-lover. |
| | Tablets-Girl's | Sister | Sister of Tablets-Girl. Ex-boy Lover's ex-girlfriend. |
| | Brother | | Tablets-Girl sister's twin brother. |
| | Ex-Boy | Lover | Ex-Boyfriend of Tablets-Girl's sister. |
| | Second | Brother | Middle Sister's brother who joined the renouncers. Deceased. |
| | Fourth | Brother | Middle Sister's fourth brother. |
| | First | Brother | Middle Sister's eldest brother. |
| | Third | Brother | Middle Sister's brother who in love with Tablets-Girl's sister. |
| 7 | Mr. | Postman | A librarian. |
